Saturday, February 3, 2024

Loneliness

Frequently, I am asked a certain question when students observe that I am divorced and living alone in China. Although they don't ask me directly if I'm divorced, they inquire about my family, and I tell them the truth. The question is whether or not I experience loneliness sometimes. The answer is affirmative. Everyone can feel lonely at times, especially when they are far away from their loved ones. Nonetheless, my life in China is quite satisfactory, and the positives outweigh the negatives, which is why I renew my contract to stay an additional year.

In light of this, you may now understand why some of my other articles discuss the advantages of dating during one's college years. I got divorced because I couldn't compel my wife to stay, but if you end up alone by your own decision, you have no one to blame. Blaming someone else does not resolve the problem, but at least I wasn't responsible for my own misery.

The images in this article were taken at the beginning of the Labor Day holiday, which will last five days (from Saturday to Wednesday). On the Friday evening before the first day of the holiday was when these pictures were taken, the university campus start to resemble a ghost town, as you can see in the pictures (most students went back home to spend the holiday with their families). At the end of the day, when I return back home, I am always by myself. So, think about this when you believe it will never happen to you; it's just a reflective thought. I wish everyone a pleasant holiday

Here are a nice talk about Rejection and Loneliness: TED Talk

Article by Marcelo Gameiro
Published 28 Apr 2023

Saturday, January 27, 2024

Power Posing Challenge.

Five years ago (2018),when I arrived in China, I had an idea to challenge students to step out of their comfort zone to boost their confidence. This idea came to me during a Professional Development class. I have since proposed this challenge to many students and received positive feedback. Although the task was nerve-wracking for some, students reported feeling a sense of accomplishment and gaining confidence. This experience can be applied to situations in life where we avoid trying new things because we feel uncomfortable. For example, boys may be hesitant to talk to a girl they find attractive, missing out on a potential friendship or relationship. The challenge aims to help individuals increase their confidence by trying new things, becoming more comfortable with rejection, and improving social skills. Personally, I also became less shy and improved my life in China by taking on this challenge. I have included some pictures I used as slides in my class to illustrate the challenge.

The reason I am writing again about this subject, is because the questions on how to improve oneself keeps coming from students who wants to get better in their performance, they keep asking me things like, how can I do better in exams, job interviews, talking to girl, to get a girlfriend etc. If you notice all those requests has to do with people skills, and to have more confidence goes a long way to improve someone success. This is not a magic pill, it is a process that if you keep working on it, you will get better.

So what is a Power Posing Challenge? POWER POSING CHALLENGE is to take 3 pictures with a stranger in power posing posture. The rational is demonstrated in the next picture, where I talk about the feedback loop.

If you wanted to learn more about the science behind this challenge you can read my paper: “Review of Body Language Posture, and an Exercise Called “Power Posing Challenge” to Improve One’s Confidence” from the ICSSED 2020 conference in China.

Next picture is the story how it happen for me to get my pictures in power posing with a stranger. I start asking people in the morning when I went to police bureau to renew my stay in China, and that was not a very good idea because a foreigner asking to take a picture in the police station seems a little bit suspicious, but anyway after getting a “NO” I did not get discourage and kept asking people to see if I would get my challenge done, I did get 2 more rejection in a row before someone agree take the picture with me.

Here in the next picture is when I got someone who said “'YES” and agree to take a picture with me in a “power posing posture”.

Sometimes I get an objection from my students when I pose a challenge to them. They say it is easier for me to do that because I am a foreigner in China and hardly people would reject me when I approach them. I reply to them: That is nonsense and I did even record a video that I put in YOUKU / YOUTUBE of me getting some rejections, to prove that was not the case. Click the link to watch those videos, go to 11:30 on the video and see me get rejected.

I Hope you enjoyed this article, and also hope you did get some insight on how you can apply this to yourself to improved as well, I do have more material if you wish to keep learning, you can see my course on people skills, and also read the my amazing adventure in China as a teacher.

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Another day in Paradise.

Today was a wonderful day for me. It started off with a great class in the morning. I was fully engaged in teaching my students, they are one of my good class. I felt energized and ready to take on the day.

Todays class

Later in the evening, I had dinner with some fine students who I met in the canteen as part of daily routine to make new friends. During the meal, I invited them to attend an English corner, an informal gathering where we can practice speaking English. They eagerly agreed to come and I was excited to spend more time with them.

English Corner

We had a few students attend the English corner, but that didn't stop us from having a great conversation. We discussed various topics, from travel to food to also been lonely sometimes. We even took some photos to capture the fun moments. I just don’t understand why not more students attend such a great activity.

After the English corner (we finished earlier than expected) , I was pleasantly surprised when someone invited me to play table tennis. I couldn't resist, and it was a great way to do continue the night, here in china it seems that everybody plays that sport very well, after all it is a national sport here.

Once the game was over, I decided to head to the playground to meet more students as the last part of my day. I enjoyed talking to some more students, did participate on some karaoke and games, did even win a ted bear. It was a great way to bond with them and make new friends.

Overall, it was a fulfilling day filled with great conversation, fun activities, and new connections. I'm grateful for the experiences and memories that were made. For me as always, it was anther day in paradise. I cant get tired of saying, I love my job here.

Saturday, January 13, 2024

Missing out on family events. Going abroad part II.

This past Saturday (April 22 2023),my family in Brazil celebrated my Aunt Aurora's 99th birthday with a huge party. Over 100 family members attended, but unfortunately, I couldn't go because I am currently living in China. This is the price one has to pay when living abroad - missing out on family events. Many students ask me if I miss my family, and the answer is obviously yes. Although I know that I will see them again, I may miss some important events while I'm away. For example I remember missing my sister´s wedding while I was living in USA.

One thing to consider is that it may be easier to make the decision to go abroad when you're single. In my case, I got divorced, and I remember a family event in 2014 that I decided not to attend because I was very depressed because of my divorce.

Some people miss home so much that they don't even finish their one-year plan to live abroad. Living abroad is not the same as taking a vacation, and if you're married, going with your family can make you feel less alone. As for me, I have enjoyed living abroad. This is my third time going abroad for a long period of time (I am in China for almost 5 years now). After my divorce this was something that made me excited again. Coming to China was a new beginning and part of my healing process.

In conclusion, living abroad can be challenging, especially when you miss important family events. However, it can also be a rewarding experience that can help you grow and heal. It's important to consider your personal situation and whether or not living abroad is right for you. Ultimately, a good place is where you feel okay and happy, and there is no perfect place in the world.

Studying abroad (part 1)

Saturday, January 6, 2024

The most valuable thing: TIME.

This next holiday (labor day – may 01 2023) I had this girl who I did used to chat before, but we never meet yet, saying to me that perhaps the time to finally meet face to face is arriving. She was the reason I am here in Zhengzhou, I had wrote about her before here on this blogpost (link) but for some reason we did stop video chatting and we never meet, but few days ago she did contacted me about her trip to see her parents very close by, and she would visit another friend here in zhengzhou. Perhaps our opportunity finally came…

Before I tell you what happen, let me change the subject a little bit here, but I promise it is related to story about her.

We all have the same amount of time in a day: 24 hours. But why is it that some people seem to accomplish so much more than others? The answer lies in how we value and use our time. Time is the most important thing we have, and it's critical that we use it wisely.

There are several reasons why time is so important. First and foremost, time is a finite resource. We only have a limited amount of it, and once it's gone, we can never get it back. This is why time is often called our most precious commodity. It's the one thing we can't buy or earn more of, no matter how much money or success we may have. Have a look on the picture about the 5 most common regrets people have at the end of their lives below.

We all know that relationships take time and effort to maintain. But when we look back on our lives, it's often the relationships we've built that bring us the most joy and fulfillment. Whether it's our family, friends, or significant other, the time we spend with the people we love is time well spent.

Now let get back to the story of this girl who wished to visit me.

She propose to me to follow her in some place she want to visit here in Zhengzhou, and I ask her, why don’t you came to visit me here at the university (my home) ? I said we can relax and take some time to chat and see that we may get to know each other better.

After chatting for a few minutes I got the impression she did not wanted to waste her time to visit me, she just want me to go along with her other plans that she had in mind, at this point I said to her, if she wants to visit me, I would reserve my time, all my day or afternoon to spend with her, instead of visiting a museum, after all this would be our first meeting face to face, and I want to be able to talk to her than be busy doing something else.

As you can see, I was giving her the most precious thing anyone can have (time),while she did not even wanted to spend a lousy afternoon with me. So I said to her, you don’t have to visit me, there was time we did start making plans to take our friendship to next level, that is why I end up here in Zhengzhou, but now I am under the impression that our friendship is not even enough for you to want to spend one afternoon with me. After my reasoning she did agree that she will not be visiting me.

Why am I writing about this ? Let me tell you…. Here at the university where I work I have NO intention to find a girlfriend, that would be very unprofessional to say nothing about been also very unethical. My friendship with the students (male and female) would never get to the next level, but many of them treat me so much better, with more consideration than her, is not very uncommon to have students spending a long time just chatting me in various activities, English corner and so on, many times I got invitations to do something together, very simple things like walking around the block just chatting.

That is why I wanted to talk about time in the beginning of this article, because now I can say that if someone are willing to spent time with you, it means they have you in high regards. That is how you evaluate relationships.

Making lot of friends gives you lot of options and dating gives you the opportunities to evaluate those options if you want to take the relationship to the next level.

Maybe one reason some people end up with bad marriages or divorced is because they don’t have a lot of options, and in that case how can they make good decisions about a life partner if they don’t have options to choose from.

To have many friends, including good relationship with the opposite sex will give you more confidence, an insight of how the opposite sex thinks, also will increase the odds of having a more fulfilling life emotionally and socially, even a better chance to find good jobs improving your career because of your network (many friends)

So don’t under estimate people skills ability, it perhaps can be even more important than technical skills when related to career success (see this pool from the book "Captivate" by Vanessa V. Edwards on the following picture.

I know my job is to teach English, but such topic allow me some flexibility and I often bring interesting topics to discuss with the students, I have been able to help a lot of students just by given them a different perspective in life and other things they should consider, I am not better than anyone here, but I am most of the time, very much older than my students, that allows me to have more experience and give good advice. As I have tell many times before , I love my job as a teacher here in China, it has given me a lot of opportunities to help students in so many different ways, that is why I keep renewing my contract and staying one more year. When my Chinese experience come to an end, I will surely going to have so many great memories of this great people to whom I have so many friends.

Saturday, December 30, 2023

I want a girlfriend.

Today, I am going to write about an experience I had with an awesome student. His roommates had told me that he was the most studious among them, but like most of my Chinese students, he was a bit shy. I completely understand that because I used to be a shy person too. That's not a bad trait, but I have to say that shyness should not get in the way of your accomplishments, whether it's making new friends, finding a girlfriend, acing a job interview, or anything that requires people skills. People skills are very desirable and can benefit you in your personal and professional life. The following picture is an interesting point from the book "Captivate" by Vanessa V. Edwards.

Fortunately, my micro camera was on, and I was able to record our little experiment, which consisted of making new friends that night. While having dinner with some Chinese students, we talked about many things, including how to find a girlfriend. I can tell you that it can be very intimidating if you are a shy person, like I was before. But today, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to approach strangers and start a conversation, and very often, we exchange WeChat contacts and become friends. Finding a girlfriend can become an easy and natural process if you have no problem chatting with girls. So, I did not propose to my Chinese friend that we would find him a girlfriend. Instead, I suggested we start a process that will make him more confident, increase his people skills, and help him overcome his shyness.

I found out that most university students don't make many friends while in university. They usually become friends with their roommates and some of their classmates, and that's usually it. The question I want you to consider is: "Where in the world will you have the same opportunity that you have right now in university?" Please note that most people on campus are at the same age, are university students themselves, and are basically at the same level intellectually and financially. They also have a good perspective on life, as they will have a university degree in a few years (not everyone has that). The most important aspect I want to stress is that all these people are together in one place for a few years. What a wonderful opportunity to meet people and make new friends, and perhaps even meet the girl you will marry in the future. The odds are in your favor here and now during your university years. After this, you will likely not be in a place where it will be so easy to meet new people like now.

So, we dismissed his roommates, grabbed a cup of juice, and went about walking around the canteen, looking for a table to sit together with some girls. After we decided on one table with two cute girls, I took the lead and approached them, as I do practically every day. After we sat with them, my Chinese friend took the lead and started chatting with the girls. Of course, he was doing much better than me because I don't speak Chinese. After a few minutes, we asked the girls if we could have their WeChat and took pictures together. It was fun, and we just made new friends.

This is not the actual picture of todays little challenge, but for me that is what I do most the time, new friends while eating.

That experience was nice. If it had not been nice because the girls did not want to sit with us, I would say please do not let rejection affect you so much that you would stop making friends. It will happen eventually, but you should keep the process going. In my experience, most people are nice, and they will say yes to you. The usual outcome is to make a new friend, and if someone says no to me, I usually go to the next table and so on until I find someone who says yes.

Let's go back to the topic of finding a girlfriend. So this is a process who will get him where he wants to be. What He have started and keep pushing himself out of his comfort zone will definitely improve him and his people skills. Making new friends and improving people skills can open up new opportunities for personal and professional growth, and you never know who you might meet along the way. So, take advantage of the wonderful opportunities that university provides, and don't let shyness or fear hold you back. Keep approaching new people, striking up conversations, and building your network. With time and practice, you will become more confident, and making new friends will become second nature to you.

To conclude this article, I want to extend my congratulations to my friend who took up the challenge of approaching a group of girls with me to make new friends. It takes a lot of courage to step out of your comfort zone like that, especially for the first time. However, I can assure you that it becomes easier with practice. The more you put yourself out there, the more comfortable you will become.

In fact, this is such great advice that I'm passing it on to my own kids: make as many friends as possible, including girls. Having more options is always better than having no options at all. This is what we call networking. By getting to know more people, you'll have a more fulfilling life, and it will become easier to find a life partner or even a job.

If you're interested, you can watch the YouTube recording of us chatting with the girls that I mentioned in this post. Additionally, I've included a related articles below that you might find helpful.

I wish you find this useful and Good luck on your journey!